The political discourse of this country and indeed, the globe, is gnashing, antagonistic and very personal. We see this erupting into brawls and looting, cruelty and even killings. That feeling of the breakdown of civilization is palpable and it is depressing to see videos on You Tube praising the smallest act of kindness. The sort of thing that we just think of as normal, how human beings should live. Suddenly it becomes a heroic video, and a lot of people are viewing it and being encouraged by it.
Paul said in his letter to Timothy that this would occur. He said that men would be lovers of themselves and, among other things, that they would be boasters, proud, blasphemers, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, brutal, head strong and haughty. And we see that now. That’s the world that we experience, at least the negative sides of the world we see. Carnal selfishness. It’s egotistic and it is ruthless (2 Timothy 3: 2-4).
How do we behave in this world? How do we stop that destructive vortex? I would suggest that courtesy is a good answer to that question. I’m talking about even the simplest of things. Saying thank you, holding a door, using clean language, addressing people with honor. Even the simplest of etiquette can have a very important effect. It might sound like holding the door open for someone is a trivial answer to the level of violence that we see in the world today. Manners have generally been dismissed. I think modern society has judged etiquette to be contrived, elitist, oppressive to personal interests, but I would suggest that acts of courtesy seem very important answers to big social problems.
First, courtesy is relevant to us in a physical way, in just a basic social, emotional sense. The modern contempt for etiquette says: “I’m more important than any of your contrived social standards. Any attempt to impinge on what makes me comfortable makes you the problem and I will do what I want, when I want.” We can obviously see where that attitude leads us. Conversely, I think many people would acknowledge that manners are the opposite of that. Emily Post, a 19th century writer and socialite, said “manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others”. And that casts etiquette in a slightly different light than contrived social standards. It is really about outgoing concern.
When we think about manners, it’s entirely possible to take these human “goodnesses” and pervert them to become demonstrations of self-aggrandizement. You see the same thing in raising money for charity. I’ve been to a lot of different charity functions, and they all seem to devolve into celebration of some big persona. A prideful occasion. The same thing with worship services. Very quickly, the worship of God descends into a performance and manners can be the same way. Real courtesy is not a raft of pretentious customs that people rebel against. It’s really an expression of love. It’s about making others feel comfortable. Making them feel valued and it’s about our focus and whether we’re willing to take the care to consider others. It is a direct line to overall morality.
A 19th century American educator, Horace Mann, said “manners easily and rapidly mature empty morals”. He is saying that if you begin to use manners, your values will solidify. Morality will be a result. An 18th century German writer and statesman named Goethe said, “there is no outward sign of true courtesy that does not rest on a deep moral foundation”. These people recognize the value of courtesy. It is the beginning point indeed of morality. That is the foundation of civilization. It is a practical, physical, benefit to participate in these sorts of courteous behaviors.
The second point I would make is that courtesy is relevant spiritually. It’s not just a physical practice. It has its place in our relationship with God. In Galatians 5:19-20, Paul described the works of the flesh; he talked about hatred, which is hostility to others, contention, which is competitive arguing and outbursts of wrath which are blazes of temper that flame up. Also, dissention, which is standing or flying apart, the breaking apart of people and relationships, and heresies which in this context, are described as crystalized antagonisms. People really holding onto hatred for each other. That is a perfect characterization of discourtesy and the fruits of discourtesy.
The opposite of works of the flesh are the fruits of the Spirit. Paul is comparing and contrasting the works of the flesh with the fruits of the Spirit. “… the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.“ (Galatians 5:22-23).
That’s courtesy and I think we would all agree that that is either the practice of, or the fruit of, courteous behavior. Courtesy, then, is the fruit of God’s Spirit and that should elevate the concept for us and raises in our conscience something that has value. True courtesy in a true Christian fashion really comes from Galatians 5: 24 where Paul wrote: “And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
The root of courtesy is self-sacrifice. It is not natural for us to curb our natural urges. We all have an immediate response or a need or something that makes us comfortable. It is not our native way to consider others first and to inconvenience ourselves to accommodate their needs, wants and wishes. It requires a degree of humility. Courtesy is the conscious act of subordinating oneself. Paul said in Philippians 2:3-4, “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”
Paul described what Christ did. Christ lowered himself and, not only did He concede His immortality and His godhead status, He went on to accept the most contentious abuse and the most demeaning death (Philippians 2:5-8). He did that because He greatly esteemed us. That’s an amazing thing to dwell upon and then reflect on what that means for us. That is our job, too.
We have a choice now, as baptized members of the body of Christ, to understand that our only value in life is to die. We can do that physically and forever by rejecting God, or we can do that in life by being crucified and allowing Christ to live in us. There’s nothing we contribute to that new life. Christ must build it entirely anew. When you are dealing with a situation that requires courtesy of you, whether it is initiating an act of courtesy or responding to an act of discourtesy, how is your ego pricked if your only job in life is to die – to crucify the works of the flesh? Courtesy is being crucified daily. It’s our only duty and it is, frankly, our only source of hope, so it’s a very big deal.
Now when I put it in those terms, it gets very big in scope. Be kind, considerate and self-sacrificing. That is godly character, so it’s a big ask. But we can start small. That’s where we need to start, and it starts at home. It starts with please and thank you, being respectful of parents, brothers, and sisters, in both speech and attitude. In the tone we use, the words we choose, the mindset we bring to any relationship or engagement. Clean language, being kind, using basic decorum and propriety, which is something that society is losing quickly. Those are all direct, biblical principles.
They, then, create a relationship within a family that is honorable. It’s a husband that honors a wife, a wife that honors her husband and children that honor the parents. That cocoon of courtesy, then, spills out into the community. It creates respect for elders in general and all the implicit social structure that holds civilization together. It builds compassion for people in need. It would lead to a population that is willing to yield to governmental authority and business leadership.
In response to that, I think you would find governments and companies that are more mindful of people and serving those people’s interests, which we don’t see today. Again, all biblical principles and it could be argued that they start from teaching a two-year-old to say thank you.
These small acts, that we know that we should do, initiate either a virtuous cycle or a destructive vortex. The simplest of acts ripple out very quickly and they become our character. Ultimately, those acts create civilization itself. The law of God in its fullness, is fulfilled when we love our neighbors as ourselves. As Peter wrote in his first letter, “… be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous (1 Peter 3:8).
Staff